I was promised healing.

Years ago.

By God.

But it has not gone the way I thought it would.

I thought that I would wake up one day and feel amazing. Peaceful. Happy. And that it would just be like that forever.

But that didn't happen. Instead I just kept feeling anxious. And that confused me. I knew that God had promised me healing. I knew it. I still know it.

So after a little while I thought maybe it was one of those things where I would have to do something to receive. Like, you know that saying, "God helps those who help themselves." But I think that's complicated. Yes I think it is important to participate with God. I think that helps us grow and helps us internalize and actually change. But also, what about grace? We need to rely on grace and often when we try to "help ourselves" we end up just forgetting about grace and trying to save ourselves.

But nonetheless, I decided to try to "help" myself. Or help God help me? I don't know. Either way, I started searching for ways to improve mental health and heal from anxiety.

I tried many things.

Meditation, diet changes, breath work, cold exposure, techniques like TRE and TIPI, which I may discuss in future posts. I tried positive affirmations and visualization.

For years I explored and experimented, desperate for some healing.

But it just didn't really seem to come.

And so I kind of decided at one point to stop chasing. And just try to cope the best I could with the anxiety.

No More Panic Attacks

And then a funny thing happened.

It was after this decision that things seemed to lighten up a bit. Maybe because I was escaping more with youtube and Netflix, or maybe because I was just giving myself a break and not pressuring myself so much to feel better, but I did start to feel a bit better.

Nothing that felt miraculous or earth-shattering. But better.

And then after a while I had a realization: I couldn't remember the last time I had a panic attack.

That was earth-shattering. To me.

I had had panic attacks daily for years. They were brutal. Anyone who has ever experienced panic attacks understands. They just make you feel crazy. Like nothing is real, and nothing matters, and nothing is true. And like you don't know or understand anything and you aren't safe.

And I hadn't experienced one of those in a long time. Like, years. And I didn't even realize it had stopped.

Weird, huh?

Not Healed, But On the Mend

So I'm not what I would consider fully healed. But I have improved SO MUCH. I don't have the panic attacks anymore. And that is a huge win.

I wouldn't say I feel good most of the time, but at least I don't feel overwhelmingly crazy or intensely unsafe.

So that's where things are now.

This site is for connecting and sharing. I want to share my journey with you in case it is helpful to you. In case you need to feel not alone. In case you need some help and support and the comfort of knowing there is someone else out there who cares and who can understand at least some of what you are going through.

So there you go. That's what you can expect here.

Always remember that you are enough for grace. And you matter. And God loves you.

And so do I.